he wouldn't know to change it anyway

 "...oh come on! You must come outside!" She said, looking back at him through the glass doors.

He lay on the bed...stark naked...sweaty...euphoric and deliciously wasted. How she knew to be in his head. How she knew to read those thoughts.He realised what he lacked. That human touch. That touch that said...i care...that touch that took the time to make him feel himself again and then... the conversation. Most of it between them was so nonsensical yet, the lightness of their banter and at times, the seriousness of their topics did rest his mind. Funny how he didn't mind talking to her. Even more funny was the fact that he didn't mind listening to her.

In all she did, no matter how silly, she did it without excuse or second thought. It had got him to thinking.

He had become so....so...paper thin...so one sided...so monochromatic. Defined by boundaries of a life he had created. Defined by choices he made to keep the peace and others happy. It wasn't surprising that he began to withdraw from family life. Started looking for answers in places alien... his joyful dalliances had become a waste of time for those he shared his life with and he hadn't taken the energy to show them why they were not. 

So...his love of many things got eroded by other peoples love of other things.

Only with time he began to realise the price he had paid and a sadness knew to fill his mind for, he didn't know how to turn the clock back and, go back to the beginning.

Would he know to make it different? 

Would he have chosen the same path? 

Most probably yes...and the reason...he hadn't been aware it might be wrong.

Living it felt good. Getting to the point of total meaningless abundance of 'stuff' and so-called perfect family relations had been at the cost of him being the arbitrator of his own fate and happiness. Now he knew that so-called 'good living' and keeping the peace may not have been what he thought it was. He valued what he had created . He valued those next to him and their happiness and well-being.

What was he to do.

He had turned to something so out of his comfort zone so not like him so dangerously addictive and influential on his whole life...

and 

if any of them were to ever find out...he wondered if he was prepared to pay the price of losing some of that so-called perfect family unity and happiness he had thought he had.

RB.